I AM SHOL

I like to self sabotage my life. Let’s just start there, shall we? I feel like there’s this innate thought in my brain that’s just triggered when I have great things going on. Example, being a relationship. It will go great, really great actually, but when I feel like it’s too good, I’ll start thinking maybe, maybe this is all a lie? I should just cut this off cause it’s not real and then BOOM, another one bites the dust. It’s like I like to suffer more than enjoy the pleasure. Or, I just see things changing drastically and don’t want them to? I have no clue, but I know I don’t like it. I think I question my own reality more than actually live it. Idk if this is something normal, or not, but I know it takes a toll on the things that matter to me the most. I’m tired of being this way, it’s draining cause it’s like restarting things all over again just to end up doing it all over again. An endless repetitive cycle. Makes me want to end it all… not my life to be clear, just the behavior.